no more pain only freedom
by SnarryMoreidLover
Summary: Sam has always felt like he didn't belong with his family and that everyone was better off without him this his his life story on why he wasn't worth it Warnings: Character death, depression, suicide


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural, its characters or all related logos and trademarks, etc.

**Warnings:** major character deaths, depression, suicide

No more pain, only freedom

Sam's POV:

I hate my life, I hate it. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to wake up in the mornings. I just feel empty, dead inside, worthless, so worthless that I don't even deserve the air and space I take up. All my life I have been the freak, the burden, the disappointment, the unteachable and rebel. It's my fault that people die or get hurt. All I cause is grief, pain, anger, death, disappointment and failure. Even my mom's death was my fault. If I was never born then she wouldn't have died protecting me. She would have lived a happy life with dean and Dad. But by protecting me she died along with ruining dean's and dad's life. I know that Dad blames me for mom's death. It's why he never favors me or spoils me or praises me like he does with Dean.

When years later Dad dies cause of a deal with yellow eyes, Dean blames me. If only I wasn't fighting with Dad, if only, then the crash wouldn't have happen. Then Dean wouldn't have been in critical condition and dying. Dad wouldn't have made the deal with yellow eyes for Dean's life exchange for Dad's life and the Colt. Then I got stab in the back by Jake and I died in Dean's arms. My last though was that I'm sorry Dean, have a happy life. I was finally free; I left my curse life behind me and doing something right in all of my life. But then I came back, I was alive, but how. Then I figure out that Dean made a deal with a crossroad demon for my life exchange that he gets drag to hell in a year. He was so happen when he saw that I was awake. But wasn't as I was back in my curse life my tainted life were all I cause was misery and death. It was better to be dead as my brother gave up his life for mine.

We tried to stop Jake from opening the devil's gate but we fail and demons and tortured souls all climbed out. In the chaos our own Dad climbed out too. With his help we finally killed yellow eyes. He looked so proud but it was direct to Dean, when he looked at me his eyes were filled with such sadness, pity and pain. I couldn't stand him looking at me like that.

A year later Dean had to pay his part of the deal but we are still trying to get him out of the deal by killing Lilith without risking his life and mine. But we failed in that part of the plan and Lilith made me watch as hellhounds ripped and shredded Dean apart in front of me. I was frozen in place unable to help him all because of Lilith. But the thoughts going through my head was it's my fault, it's my entire fault. It's my fault that Dean died. It's my fault as I didn't find a solution in time before the year was up. I didn't save him like he save me. It should be me in that grave not Dean. Four month without Dean by my side and I have no point in just living. I'm past the point of living; I'm just on autopilot at this point. I'm just empty inside doing what Ruby tells me to do and find a way to bring Dean back to life. When he comes back, alive and kicking, I send Ruby away for a while. Dean is alive and happy to be back with the I slide back on my mask so he wouldn't see what I became without him here with me but in hell. Later on Halloween when two witches are trying to break a seal, Castiel the angel that brought back my brother and another angel call Uriel comes to us for help. They tell us that to clear out as they are going to purify the town. We tried to save the seal but we were too late. So I take up on the demon with my powers. Dean finds out and goes crazy mad saying some hurtful thing to me and tells me that an angel told him if I didn't stop using my power that I would have to be kill. Telling me that if I wasn't his brother he would have hunt be down. Those words right there hit home remaining me how I'm a freak a monster a burden on my own brother. That my own brother wants to hunt me down like the monster we hunt. The only person I care about except Bobby has called me a monster.

Time passes and Ruby tells me the only way to stop Lilith is by killing her. At that time I'm so hop on demon blood that I just go along with Ruby as I'm not thinking straight. But dean finds out what's happening to me, so he and Bobby trick me into the panic room to detox. For two days I'm stuck in there with my own mind fighting me. I beg to be release, it's painful, and it's my own personal hell, its torture. Finally the doors open and I leave. I find Ruby and drink me demon blood to get ready to gank Lilith. We get there but I start having doubts about this, so I check my phone, I have a voicemail from Dean. But all it is him telling me what a freak I am what a monster I am and how he never wants to see me again. So I go inside and fight with Lilith and I kill her. It took a lot out of me so at the beginning I can't understand what Ruby is saying but then I hear her. And boy do I wish I didn't. She shows me how Lilith's blood is forming a portal. She's saying how proud she is of me for freeing Lucifer and how she knew she could count on me. At that moment Dean walks in sees what happens and goes to kill Ruby, she tried to escape but I hold her in places and she dies.

The ground starts to shake really bad rocks are falling down and we can hear a loud shrieking sound. I really look at my brother and see disbelief, pity, sadness, anger, confusion and worst of fear in his eyes all at me only. The rumbling got louder so we tried to make run for it but something slams the door before we leave. All we can do now is to stay together and tried to shut out shrieking noise and blinding white light. Suddenly they both get louder and higher and bright until nothing at all. We open our eyes and were surprise, we were in an airplane. We looked outside the window and saw an explosion of bright light where we were. No denying who that was, it was Lucifer and I am responsible for freeing him. Finally on our way to Bobby's, Dean started to shout at me saying that I should have listened to him. That if I just listen when he told me that Ruby was bad new, that she was an evil bitch no matter what, then it wouldn't happen. I wouldn't have trusted her so easily and I wouldn't have drunk demon blood. He kept yelling how his own little brother was the one who had free the freaking Devil. Instead straight to Bobby's we change route to confuse anything that could be following us as a way to not bring Bobby and trouble. When Bobby got here, he wanted to know what the hell happen. Dean told him everything that happen and what I did. Bobby got really mad at me, yelling at me that after today to him I'm as good as dead, he never wants to hear from me or see me. Dean didn't even do anything. He just stood there letting Bobby say what he wanted to say. I was shocked; disappointment and pain that my only father figure could tell me this. Turns out that it was a demon inside Bobby, he stabbed himself so that demon could die. We got him to a hospital and went in search Michael's sword before the demons do. We get there and Zachariah there to tell Dean he's the Michael sword. Zachariah tries to kill me to make Dean say yes to Michael but he didn't care cause he said to kill us both it doesn't matter, he will never say yes. Castiel comes in at the last moment to save us from Zachariah and then he brands us with sigils to hide us from the other angels.

We get to Bobby's room; Dean enters Bobby's room first. I just hang back but I still think that what happens to him is my fault. The memory of that night comes back in full force making me guiltier for ruining Bobby's life. It's my fault that Bobby is now in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Dean and Bobby tried to get my attention but all I say is I'm sorry and bolt out of the room. I can hear Dean and Bobby calling for me in the background but I can't go back to them. I go to the impala, grab my stuff and leave. I keep walking till I can't, so I go hole up in an alley where Dean won't be able to find me in time. All the memories of my whole life are coming back. My Dad telling me how worthless I am how it's all my fault that mom died and that I can't never be like Dean. Jessica's death is my entire fault, her face surrounded by flames but all so scared and confused. Dad's death it's my fault how Dean won't even look at me anymore. When Dean got ripped apart by the hellhounds in front of me, the only think I was thinking was that if I found a solution beforehand then he wouldn't have died. When I started drinking demon blood and when I went through the detox which made me relive my worst memories which all that I have. Suddenly I knew what I had to do, which was something I should have done years ago. I was going to kill myself to stop all of these problems. To make everyone's life better. I have to this life behind.

I call Dean, he answers telling me to tell him where I am but I tell I'm so sorry that it had to be this way, to keep going no matter what happens. He got scare telling me, no begging me to tell him were I am, but all I told him was goodbye. I call Bobby, he answers and I tell him that I'm sorry that I call him but not to hang up. I tell him how sorry I am for ruining his life that he takes care of himself and of Dean. That soon what he told me yesterday is going to happen. He tries to talk to me but I say goodbye and hang up. I send a prayer to Castiel, telling him to please listen to me and keep Dean save and out of trouble. To please tell him it wasn't his fault but my fault, also to not let him do any deals to break me back. I know that Castiel can't find me because of the sigils burn on my ribs. I get my hunting knife, the knife that symbolizes my failure, my shame and disappointment to my family. I made two deep cuts on each of my wrists, already feeling a small sting. I watch my blood, which was so tainted and curse that I'm happy it's not in me anymore. It makes me feel free and without anything holding me down. It was my blood that causes my entire problem all my life. It's the reason that mom died that Jessica died that Dad died and that I died causing Dean to make the deal. I started to feel light headed and dizzy which means that I'm losing my blood quickly. I'm getting sleepy, numb and hallucinating, because I can hear Dean yelling for me in the background. But then I hear it again its getting closer. How, it's not possible, he couldn't have found me that quickly and Castiel can't find me because of the sigils burn onto my ribs. Even if gets to me then it would me too late as I'm already losing too much blood and more is still coming out. I can barely stay awake, it can be long now. I'm so sorry that Dean has to see me like this in a pool of my blood. From my right I can hear the faint whoosh of wings; I turn and see Castiel standing there just looking at me with sadness, pain and grief. With my last strength I tell him to just let me go and not bring me back. Also to not let Dean do anything stupid like a demon deal. Castiel just touches my forehead and can feel warmth comforting, Castiel saying "Farewell Sam Winchester". I can see bright warmth light with Jess, my mom and my Dad standing there waiting for me. I'm finally home, no more pain only freedom.


End file.
